Asking for Help

(Local View from 4'2, Lake County Press, June 27, 2025)

Asking for help is hard. Risking being rejected is the first landmine while feeling like a burden is the final explosion. It is so important to remember that we all have needs and we all need help. We were not designed to live alone and in isolation. Don't get me wrong, I am a good introvert who loves a good day at home alone to refuel and restore but my happiest days are in small groups of very trusted and loved folks who get me and are up for an adventure.

There are different seasons we all need help in. For me, I need more help during the winter months to traverse the snow and ice filled world and to take care of my van and its winter needs. I also need more help when there are big physical or medical projects or seasons of life. I also try to diversify the friends, family and even strangers that I ask for help. Knowing not only your ask but also the skill sets needed to complete the task can make the process so much smoother. Open communication from beginning to end is invaluable in the process of being successful for you as the one needing help and for the caregiver to know how to best help and feel accomplished when the task is done.

Miscommunications or harmful communications can quickly erode the balance of trust in relationships and in the future of asking for help. Caregiving is no easy calling whether it is sporadic, short term or long term. Caregivers typically have a hard time taking care of themselves and feeling comfortable saying no so they are saying their best yes when they can. Many times when people say yes to everything they become burned out and are also standing in the way of someone else who has the energy, mental capacity, and ability to be the blessing of the true yes and helpful heart in each situation.

Asking for help and being the caregiver are equally exhausting, equally embedded with fear of rejection or hurt, and can be equally rewarding and fun! When needing to ask for help, try to truly define your task or needs, find a qualified person or a teachable person who loves to help, and someone that you can in return help in some way. Kind words are always helpful and encouraging. Being clear and direct in healthy ways is also good- no sarcasm or coded language. This process is hard enough without needing to decode someone's passive aggressive behavior or reading body language. As Brene Brown says, “Clear is kind.”

And the last thing I have been pondering recently is to know the motives of your heart in asking and in caregiving. Sometimes more words are needed to describe why you need the help. Like when there is a task I can physically do but if I do that it will take my energy away from the ability to complete the next three hours of work. Or sometimes explaining that doing a list of tasks together will take only 10 minutes versus a whole day of working at it alone. And when I am being asked to be a caregiver I have to check my motives as well. If I am needing this action or person to fill my cup versus authentically wanting this person to be helped and connected with, then I have some personal internal work to be aware of and sometimes communicate to the person I am helping. For instance, “Thanks for trusting me today to help you with this. To be honest when I first came I was struggling and just having an off day, but by spending time with you and working together to complete these things in your space, it has motivated me to go home and do something in my space.” 

Some sayings I hear in my head a lot lately are, “Let your yes be yes and your no be no.” “Put yourself in a time out or a nap so others don’t have to deal with you.” “You are not responsible for other people’s reactions to things. Their response shows more about them than it does about you.”

Keep being courageous in your asking and in your caregiving.